Sunday, March 2, 2008

The Office - Bring Your Dad To Work Day

Here is a spec script I wrote for NBC's The Office:

“BRING YOUR DAD TO WORK DAY”

COLD OPEN
FADE-IN:

EXT. OFFICE – PARKING LOT - MORNING

MICHAEL pulls into the parking lot and stops short of his parking space.

MICHAEL
Aww man---what is this?

Camera PANS from Michael’s face to a HOMELESS MAN covered in dirty blankets, sleeping in Michael’s parking spot.

Camera CUTS back to Michael who holds down his horn.

MICHAEL
(still honking)
C’mon buddy, snap out of it!

The homeless man remains asleep.

MICHAEL
Fine.

Michael gets out of his car and drags the Homeless Man by his foot into the adjacent parking spot.

MICHAEL
Some of us have to work for a living.

Michael pulls into his parking spot.

After exiting the car, Michael places his coffee cup next to the Homeless Man and tosses some pocket change into the cup.

Camera watches Michael enter the building, then PANS to the parking lot entrance. TOBY pulls into the parking lot and stops short of his parking spot where the Homeless Man is sleeping.

Toby looks dejected as usual.

END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE

FADE-IN:

INT. OFFICE – MICHAEL’S DESK

Michael, at his desk, incessantly spins a Rolodex. Michael looks up and notices the camera.

MICHAEL
(to camera)
Oh---hello---one sec.

Michael rips out an obviously random card from the Rolodex, picks up the phone, and fake dials a number.

MICHAEL
(into phone)
Yes, this is Michael Scott and I would like to buy 1 million shares of Microsoft. Yes, add it to my portfolio.

Michael looks at camera and nods his head.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
(into phone)
Thank you very much.

Michael hangs up and looks back at the camera.

MICHAEL
(to camera)
Sorry, I was just diversifying my portfolio---my PF---Sooo, today is going to be an exciting day here in the office because I have named today, the official Bring Your Dad to Work Day.

Michael smiles proudly.

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA - CONTINUOUS

ANGELA stands on a ladder to put up an oversized computer banner printout reading “BRING YOUR DAD TO WORK DAY”. OSCAR and KEVIN stand and watch confused.

INT. OFFICE – MICHAEL’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL
I know we already had a “take your daughter to work day”, but I feel that dads are just as important, if not more important then their daughters. Last night, at my improv class, I was given the very difficult role of a single father with 4 children.

INT. IMPROV CLASSROOM – FLASHBACK

Michael and a group of students stand in a semi-circle as the instructor decides who will be in the next skit.

IMPROV INSTRUCTOR
OK, you four are the children.

Michael’s instructor points at four students on the left.

IMPROV INSTRUCTOR (CONT’D)
And Michael, you are the single father.

Michael sighs.

IMPROV INSTRUCTOR (CONT’D)
Michael, you have just come home from work and your four children are watching television.

Michael unties his belt and pulls it off.

MICHAEL
(to four children)
Where is my dinner, kids? Have you been watching TV all day? Go do your chores!

Michael begins to beat his four children on the ground and one of them bows to him. He stops beating that one and the others begin to bow.

MICHAEL (V.O.)
During this scene, as I portrayed the single father, the “head of household”, I noticed for the FIRST time, that my entire improv group gave me the full respect and attention that I have always deserved. They were submissive and obedient---and LOVING. Exactly how I want my children here to behave.

INT. OFFICE – MICHAEL’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL
So, on Bring Your Dad to Work Day, I will see just how much everyone here in the office respects and loves their fathers. I will be arranging a few friendly dad competitions to see who is the number one dad in the office—--the alpha male, the big boss---and I will also be competing in these competitions to demonstrate that I merit more respect than anyone’s dad. I mean, if they respect their dads, and I am better than their dads---at everything---then they have to respect me. Good old R>N, N>T, R>T logic. Me being the R---for Radical.

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Michael walks through the office with flyers in his hand and stops at DWIGHT’S desk. Dwight looks up eager and smiling for no apparent reason.

MICHAEL
Dwight…

DWIGHT
Yes Michael. Happy Bring your Dad to Work Day, Michael.

MICHAEL
Oh, so you’ve heard.

DWIGHT
Of course I’ve heard. Nothing goes on in this office without me knowing.

The camera PANS from Dwight’s face to the right where Angela just finishes hanging the giant “BRING YOUR DAD TO WORK DAY” banner.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
I need you to---uhh---make today a little more entertaining for everyone.

Dwight smiles.

DWIGHT
How so, Michael?

MICHAEL
I dunno---maybe like a friendly little Dad competition.

DWIGHT
Brilliant idea Michael!

MICHAEL
Yeah, something that kind of taps into the best attributes of Dads---and of people in general.

DWIGHT
I can definitely do that.

Michael slaps his flyers on Dwight’s shoulder and throws a flyer onto Dwight’s desk.

MICHAEL
Ok, great.

Dwight smiles eerily down at the flyer.

Camera quickly PANS to JIM at his desk. Jim rolls his eyes at the camera, gets up, and walks to PAM’S desk.

INT. OFFICE – PAM’S DESK - CONTINUOUS

Jim stands at Pam’s reception desk. He puts both arms on the counter and leans over to grab a pen as a ploy.

JIM
(quietly)
Did you hear that?
PAM
Yes I did.

JIM
Are you inviting your dad?

PAM
(very sarcastic)
Unfortunately, my dad is on an archaeological dig in New Zealand.

JIM
(very sarcastic)
Oh, well that’s good because now you can come with me to go pick up my dad at his cabin at Lake Winola.

PAM
Ooooh, that sounds nice.

JIM
Get your jacket and I will take care of the rest.

Jim gives Pam a smirk and wink.

PAM
Okay.

Pam looks at camera smiling and excited.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Unfortunately for everyone here at this office, my father, Dwight Kenneth Shrute, will not be able to attend the competition for he is at a competition of his own. He is currently in Nepal scaling the Himalayas with a group of 20 Sherpas on his way to the world championship of yodeling. The Shrutes have come from a long line of mountain climbers, woodsman, and deep-sea divers.
(points to his chest)
Lungs that are this well evolved are best put to the test in yodeling competitions---and Norwegian glass blowing exhibitions.
INT. OFFICE – STANLEY’S CUBICLE AREA

Michael walks towards STANLEY’S desk and makes quick changes to the flyer in his hand.

MICHAEL
Whaddup Stan-dog, Stanasaurus Rex, Stan’d and Deliver.

Michael holds up his fist for Stanley to bash. Stanley looks unpleased.

MICHAEL
That’s the dog pound Stanley.

STANLEY
What do you want?

MICHAEL
Today, we are celebrating Bring Your Dad to Work day.

STANLEY
What?

MICHAEL
Bring Your Dad to Work day.

STANLEY
Today?

MICHAEL
Yeah Today!

STANLEY
Why?

MICHAEL
Because Dads are awesome---and kind, and resourceful, and strict when necessary, and brilliant, and…

STANLEY
(interrupts)
My dad passed away.

MICHAEL
Uhhhhhhhhh---bring yo baby mama then.

STANLEY
What?

MICHAEL
Yo baby mama.

STANLEY
My baby mama?

MICHAEL
Yeah.

STANLEY
My baby’s mother?

MICHAEL
Whatever homie.

Michael hands Stanley a flyer. Stanley looks down and reads “BRING YOUR DAD TO WORK DAY” except Stanley’s copy has “YOUR DAD” crossed off and “YO DADDY” scribbled in its place.

STANLEY TALKING HEAD

Stanley looks at the camera in disgust and says nothing.

INT. OFFICE – CREED’S DESK

CREED sits at his desk with headphones on listening to music. He quickly throws them off as Michael walks up.

MICHAEL
Creed, my man---my very old man. I know this day does not seem very fair to you because your dad is dead, but just so you know I…

CREED
(interrupts)
My dad isn’t dead.

MICHAEL
(shocked)
What?!
(begins to laugh)
You’re kidding me.

CREED
Nope. He actually lives just down the street.
MICHAEL
Where, at the cemetery?

Michael looks at camera and laughs.

CREED
Nooo, he lives at the Driftwood Assisted Living Community.

MICHAEL
Yikes---he’s got to be like, what? Two hundred and fifty?

CREED
He’s 98.

MICHAEL
Well, get his old ass in here. This is gonna be a great day.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
I cannot believe Creed’s dad is still alive.

Michael shakes his head.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Wow. This is gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel---really, really old and weak fish in a barrel---shooting them right in the head---with a bazooka.

INT. OFFICE - OSCAR, KEVIN, AND ANGELA’S CUBICLE AREA

Michael walks up and hands a flyer to each of them.

MICHAEL
(to Oscar)
I am assuming your dad has disowned you, so you can bring in your hair stylist or pilates teacher instead or something.

Oscar looks at camera confused.

Camera PANS to Kevin reading the flyer.

KEVIN
Bring your Dad to Work Day?

MICHAEL
Oh good, you can read.

KEVIN
This sounds dumb.

MICHAEL
Only if your dad is dumb.

Michael looks at camera and speaks under his breath.

MICHAEL
(to camera)
Which I am assuming he is.

KEVIN
What’s in it for us?

TOBY walks in on the conversation.

MICHAEL
Uhhh---for one, my parking spot---for a year!

KEVIN
I park on the other side of you Michael.

Michael thinks for a second.

MICHAEL
Yeah, but I am 10 feet closer to the door than you. So if you work 365 days a year, and you save 10 feet of walking per day---that is like a million feet per year.
Kevin actually considers Michael’s logic.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Aaaaand, the winner will get a bonus.

TOBY
You can’t do that Michael.

MICHAEL
Ok then---the winner of the competition will get $100.00 in cold hard cash from my own pocket.

TOBY
Michael, you can’t do that. That’s gambling and you can’t gamble here.

MICHAEL
It’s not gambling if you know you’re going to win.

Michael brings Toby to the side.

MICHAEL
(whispering)
What happens if I promise them the money and one of them wins?

TOBY
You can’t give them any money. It is against company policy to gamble.

MICHAEL
OK, Toby. Fine.

Camera CUTS to Jim and Stanley listening in on the conversation. Jim looks at Stanley. Stanley rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

Camera CUTS back to Michael who turns to the group.

Creed and MEREDITH enter the scene.

MICHAEL
The winner of the best dad competition will get my parking spot for a year AND five-HUNDRED dollars cash!

Michael smiles knowing that he cannot possibly lose the money. Kevin, Oscar, Meredith, and Creed cheer and smile to each other.

DWIGHT
(clapping loudly and nodding)
Oh Yeah!

ANGELA
(visibly upset)
I wish you could have given me more than 2 hours notice for this event.

Angela walks off fuming with another long banner dragging behind her.

Michael steps on it and it rips in half.

MICHAEL
Flat tire!

Angela turns and stomps away.

EXT. BACK OF BUILDING – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Creed drives by in his car, honks at Dwight, waves, and exits the parking lot.

Dwight is near a hardwood pile grabbing a large wooden beam. He tries to karate chop and karate kick the beam in half, but it does not work.

DWIGHT (V.O.)
The first event I have chosen is the balance beam. I will be scoring balance by taking into consideration the time it takes to travel across the beam coupled with technique. Falls automatically result in a zero.

Just then, Dwight falls over while trying to karate kick the beam.
INT. OFFICE – KELLY’S DESK – A FEW MINUTES LATER

KELLY is at her desk painting her nails. DARRYL walks up and sits in a chair beside her.

KELLY
So did you hear it’s Bring your Dad to Work Day today?

DARRYL
Yeah I did. You gonna bring your daddy in?

Kelly fingers Darryl’s shirt.

KELLY
(giggles)
Only if you can get off early.

DARRYL
I’ll get off early-----AND all night.

Kelly smiles and giggles.

INT. OFFICE – PAM’S RECEPTION DESK

Michael walks towards Pam’s desk with his head down.
MICHAEL
Pam, Pam, Pam…
(looks at Pam)
Hey, did you do something different to your hair today?

PAM
No, same as always.

MICHAEL
Umm, no it’s not. It’s wayyyy different---it looks good today.

Pam looks at camera sad and embarrassed.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Anyways, I see you got your flyer and I just wanted to make sure you were planning on showing off your dad to the office today.

Pam looks over at Jim. Jim shakes his head at her.

PAM
Actually, my dad is on an archaeological dig in New Zealand.

MICHAEL
Oh, huh---sounds boring. Well that’s too bad.

Michael spins around to face Jim at his desk. Jim is already poised to respond.

MICHAEL
Jimbo. Slim Jim. Is your pops coming in today?

JIM
Um, yeah. Actually Pam and I are leaving soon to go get him. He lives about 30 minutes from here.

Camera CUTS to Pam at her desk pretending to be busy.

Camera CUTS back to Michael.

MICHAEL
Ok, well you two get on it! Gotta be back here by 1:00PM if you want to win the $500.

JIM
Can I get that in writing please?

MICHAEL
Uhh, I don’t really have time for that right now, but maybe Toby can whip something up.

JIM
I’ll take an I.O.U.

MICHAEL
(walking away)
Ha! I’ll take a U.O. me.

Jim looks at camera with a raised brow.

Camera PANS to Pam at her desk. She is already putting on her coat and holds up two bags of chips to show Jim. Jim smiles and does a fist pump.

INT. OFFICE – BREAK ROOM

Kevin, Oscar, Darryl, and Angela are in the break room talking. Darryl is getting a soda from the machine.
OSCAR
My dad doesn’t even speak English.

KEVIN
My dad sleeps during the day.

ANGELA
I hate my dad.

KEVIN
Maybe we can just rent one?

ANGELA
Maybe you’re an idiot.

DARRYL
Actually, that might not be a bad idea.

INT. OFFICE – MEREDITH’S DESK

Meredith is sitting at her desk talking to her dad over the phone.

MEREDITH
(into phone)
Well, drink a bunch of water and eat some bread. I am going to need you sober for a few hours---and I’ll buy you a bottle if we win.

INT. OFFICE – OSCAR’S DESK

Oscar is sitting at his desk talking to his dad over the phone.

OSCAR
(into phone)
Por Favor, Papa. Si, my work. Today. Hoy. Gracias Papa.

OSCAR hangs up the phone and looks guilty.

Camera PANS from Oscar to Angela staring out the window. The camera looks out the window and finds…

EXT. OFFICE – SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS

Darryl and Kevin are talking to the Homeless Man. They hand him cash and some clothes.

EXT. DRIFTWOOD LIVING COMMUNITY – FRONT ENTRANCE

Creed runs out the front doors of the building pushing HIS DAD in a wheelchair.

CREED
Don’t worry, Dad. I will have you back in time for bingo.

Creed’s dad raises his arms up in excitement.

CREED’S DAD
Wahoo!

END OF ACT ONE




ACT TWO

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA – AFTERNOON

Michael slides Jim’s desk to clear a space on the floor. Dwight lays the balance beam down and measures it with a ruler.

Kevin and Darryl stand behind them with the Homeless Man. Stanley is leaning against the wall with a cup of coffee. Kelly is standing in the back chatting with Angela.

DWIGHT
(to Oscar)
I am assuming this is your father.

Dwight points at OSCAR’S DAD.

OSCAR
Yes, this is my father Pico.

Camera focuses on Pico, a migrant farm worker dressed in jeans, a flannel shirt, and a cowboy hat.

Camera PANS quickly to the front door to find Creed crashing through with his father in the wheelchair.

Camera PANS back to Michael. Michael looks excited.

MICHAEL
Yes! Creed’s dad isn’t dead!
(to camera)
But he’s damn close.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Let the games begin!

Camera PANS to Dwight who is standing with a clipboard in his hand and wrapping a whistle around his neck.

DWIGHT
The first event of this alpha male competition is the balance beam. I will be judging your form and speed. Falls automatically result in zero. Pico, you are slated to go first.

Camera PANS to Pico who doesn’t move. Oscar gives him a shove.

OSCAR
(to Pico)
Ir Papa! (go dad)

Pico walks quickly across the beam. A couple people clap and cheer.

DWIGHT
Perfect form and speed, Pico---5 points. Michael, you are up next.

Michael takes a few steps on the balance beam. His phone rings, he falls off the beam, and answers the call from the ground.

MICHAEL
(into phone)
What?!

DWIGHT
That’s zero points Michael.

EXT. LAKEFRONT – ON GRASS - CONTINUOUS

Pam and Jim are sitting on a blanket eating lunch. Jim is talking to Michael on his cell phone.

JIM
(into phone to Michael)
Pam and I are stuck in traffic and won’t make it back by two o’clock.

Pam smiles and eats her sandwich.

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

Michael is still sitting on the floor.

MICHAEL
(frustrated)
OK. Fine. Take the rest of the day off. I can barely hold off these bastards as it is.

EXT. LAKEFRONT – ON GRASS - CONTINUOUS

JIM
(confused)
What?

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL
Never mind, I'll see you tomorrow.

EXT. LAKEFRONT – ON GRASS - CONTINUOUS

Jim takes off his shoes and he lays back onto the blanket with Pam.

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA - CONTINUOUS

Michael gets up off the floor and points at the Homeless Man.

MICHAEL
Darryl’s dad is up next.

DARRYL
Why do you think he’s my dad?

MICHAEL
Uhh, because he’s brown.

DARRYL
That’s dirt Michael.

KEVIN
He’s my dad.

MICHAEL
(confused)
What? He doesn’t even look like you---maybe Stanley, but not you.

Camera CUTS to Stanley with his coffee. Stanley looks displeased and bored.

DWIGHT
OK, Kevin, your dad is next.

The Homeless Man walks across the beam while eating a granola bar.

DWIGHT
Well done---5 points. Creed, your dad is next.

Creed pushes his sleeping dad across the balance beam in his wheelchair.

DWIGHT
OK. This event is over. Five points have been awarded to all participants except Michael.

MICHAEL
Oh c’mon. You’re going to count that? Creed’s dad wasn’t even awake!

Camera PANS to Creed’s dad sleeping in the wheelchair.

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA - A FEW MINUTES LATER

Dwight drags out a beanbag toss game from the meeting room and brings it into the cubicle area where everyone is gathered.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
The next event is the beanbag toss. This event will definitely display man’s most primitive survival tool---hand eye coordination.

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA - CONTINUOUS

Michael is doing arm circles.

MICHAEL
I’m going first! Gotta put the pressure on again!

KEVIN
You lost the last event Michael.

MICHAEL
You need to lose weight Kevin.

Kevin looks at the camera confused.

Michael does one last arm circle, focuses long and hard at the beanbag toss, and tosses the bag through the hole.

MICHAEL
Swish!! Who’s next?!

DWIGHT
Five points for Michael---Creed, your dad is next.

Creed rolls his dad up to the line and hands him the beanbag, and puts his hands on his shoulders.

CREED
(to his dad)
C’mon dad. Show ‘em the cannon.
(turns back to everyone)
He was an All-American 3rd baseman in college.

Creed’s dad recoils his arm and drops the beanbag behind his head and onto the ground.

MICHAEL
What?! That was pathetic!
Next! Where’s YOUR dirty dad Kevin?

Kevin shrugs his shoulders and looks around.

KEVIN
I don’t know?

Kevin looks at Darryl for help. Darryl shrugs.

INT. OFFICE – BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Homeless Man is rummaging through the refrigerator.

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA – CONTINUOUS

DWIGHT
OK. Well, Kevin’s dad will receive zero points for this event. Pico, you are up next.

Pico walks up and tosses the bag through the hole. Oscar claps and congratulates him.

MICHAEL
(beginner’s luck)
Foreigner’s luck.

A loud SLAM comes from the front office door. The camera quickly PANS over and MEREDITH’S DAD stumbles in blatantly drunk.

MEREDITH’S DAD
(slurring)
I’m here honey! Where’s my bottle?

Meredith stares with her mouth gaping. Her dad picks up a beanbag and throws it clear over the beanbag toss.

DWIGHT
Umm—--that would be a zero.

Meredith’s dad stumbles off towards the break room.

MICHAEL
OK. Someone lock the front doors. No more Dads are allowed.

EXT. DRIFTWOOD LIVING COMMUNITY – FRONT ENTRANCE

Police cars are parked in front of the entrance with their lights flashing. A few of the HOSPITAL EMPLOYEES speak with a POLICE OFFICER and point down the street.


INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA – FEW MINUTES LATER
DWIGHT
The scores through 2 events are: Pico - 10 points (clapping and cheering), Michael – 5 points (Michael claps – Dwight cheers), Kevin’s dad – 5 points (Kevin and Darryl clap), Creed’s dad – 5 points (Creed cheers) and Meredith’s dad – zero points (Michael claps).

Dwight places his clipboard on his desk and reaches into a drawer. He pulls out Twister, opens the box, and lays the Twister mat out on the floor.

The group chatters in excitement.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
This next event will measure one’s dexterity. The winner of the game will prove to be the most dexterous of all. I know what you are thinking---Twister does not translate into the real world. I’ll have you know that my cousin, Earp Shrute the Third was crowned the 2003 U.S. Twister Champion. He then went on to become a master contortionist in a Japanese traveling circus. Now you tell me THAT doesn’t translate to the real world.

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA – CONTINUOUS

DWIGHT
OK. Everyone take your neutral starting positions.

Michael, the Homeless Man, and Pico walk onto the Twister mat. Creed rolls his dad onto a corner of the mat.

INT. OFFICE – BREAKROOM - CONTINUOUS

Meredith’s Dad is rummaging through the upper cabinets in the break room obviously looking for liquor.

INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA- CONTINUOUS

Dwight spins the Twister arrow.

DWIGHT
Left foot blue!

OSCAR
(to Pico)
Azul del pie izquierdo!

Michael and the Homeless Man vie for the same spot. Pico calmly puts his foot on blue. Creed rolls his dad over a blue spot.

DWIGHT
Right hand green!

OSCAR
(to Pico)
Verde de la mano derecha.

Michael and the Homeless Man become tangled on the Twister mat. Creed’s dad is sitting in his wheelchair with one foot on a spot. Pico easily places his hand on green.

DWIGHT
Left foot red!

OSCAR
(to Pico)
Rojo del pie izquierdo.

Michael swipes the legs out from the Homeless Man who then falls on Michael.

MICHAEL
Ohhh, you’re out!---And you smell like rotting garbage.

Michael makes a nauseated face.
DWIGHT
Immediate disqualification for an illegal leg sweep. The winner, by default, is Pico.

MICHAEL
What?! That’s ridiculous.

DWIGHT
Those are the rules Michael. You can read them on the back of the box.

Dwight hands the Twister box to Michael. Michael ignores him and walks away.

Oscar congratulates his dad and raises his dad’s arm in victory.

EXT. LAKEFRONT – EDGE OF LAKE

Jim and Pam are skipping rocks. They pause, hug, and kiss.

INT. OFFICE - MEETING ROOM – MINUTES LATER

Everyone sits/stands around a table. Michael rolls a set of dice onto a board game.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
And of course, the final event is a test of intelligence.

INT. OFFICE - MEETING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

DWIGHT (V.O.)
And the only true measurement of the intelligence quotient can be found in the pursuit of trivia.

Camera ZOOMS onto the board game that everyone is surrounding and finds…

DWIGHT (V.O.)
Trivial Pursuit.

Michael moves his piece onto the orange pie space.
MICHAEL
Yes! Orange for the pie!

DWIGHT
In 1983, who won the gold medal in figure skating after…

Michael interrupts.

MICHAEL
Figure skating is gay. No offense Oscar. Gimme a real sport’s question!

KEVIN
That’s cheating Michael.

MICHAEL
Kevin, shut up.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
I have always loved Trivial Pursuit---maybe because I have always been so good at it. It really helps being so well-read and well—taught---on so many different subjects.

INT. OFFICE - MEETING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL
Ok, another orange for the pie piece---the big cheese.

KEVIN
You already have an orange piece.

MICHAEL
I want another piece. I want an entire orange pie!!!

DWIGHT
That’s not how you play, Michael. You need one of every color.

MICHAEL
That’s why we have Stanley in the office—--ohhh!!

Michael looks at camera and laughs. Stanley glares at Michael.
MICHAEL
OK. Red for the pie. Cherry pie.

DWIGHT
The most difficult piece of them all.

There is a sudden POUNDING on the front office door.
Camera PANS to the door and then back to MICHAEL.

MICHAEL
It must be Jim and Pam.

Michael walks towards the door.

MICHAEL
(shouting sarcastically)
You are both fired!

Michael answers the door to find the Police Officer with his hand on the gun at his side.

MICHAEL
Hello officer.

OFFICER
I am responding to a kidnapping in the area. Witnesses say that an elderly gentleman was wheeled, against his will, into this office building a short while ago.

MICHAEL
What?

OFFICER
An old man apparently kidnapped an even older man from the old folk’s home a few hours ago. Witnesses say that he was brought into this office against his will.

MICHAEL
Umm----That’s not—---He’s not here. Or she.

Michael slides in front of the officer to obstruct his view. The camera PANS over to Creed’s dad asleep in the doorway of the meeting room.

Angela steps forward.
ANGELA
Dad?!

OFFICER
Muffin butt?

Angela looks upset.

ANGELA
Don’t call me that.

ANGELA TALKING HEAD

ANGELA
I hate my father. He worked every night when I was a child. He left my mother and I when I was 8 years old---I will never forgive him.

INT. OFFICE – FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS

OFFICER
I didn’t know you worked here.

ANGELA
Why would you?

OFFICER
Because I am your dad and…

Angela angrily interrupts.

ANGELA
You are not my dad---I want nothing to do with you.

OFFICER
But, Muffin Butt?

ANGELA
I said don’t call me that---just leave Bob!

Officer stands there awkwardly and looks around the room.

Kevin stands with his mouth agape. Dwight is standing poised to fight. Creed is reading Trivial Pursuit cards. Stanley is hiding behind a desk.

OFFICER
Well, umm---I guess this was a false alarm.

ANGELA
Just leave.

OFFICER
OK, well, have a good night everyone.

The officer turns to leave. Michael slams the door immediately and turns to look at Angela.
MICHAEL
I guess it pays to be an angry bitch sometimes.

Michael turns to look to the others in the room.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
Well---I guess that’s the end of the competition. And, according to the scoreboard, it looks like I am the best dad here.

DWIGHT
Actually, Oscar’s dad and Creed’s dad both won 2 out of the 3 events.

MICHAEL
As we all now know, Creed’s dad was participating illegally.

KEVIN
You aren’t even a dad, Michael.

MICHAEL
Shut up Kevin---and yes I am! You are all my children. I love you all. And now you all have to respect me more than your own fathers.

CREED
No we don’t.
MICHAEL
Creed, you just kidnapped your dad so I don’t think it’s asking too much from you.

Camera PANS to Creed’s dad sleeping in his wheelchair. He is using the Twister mat as a blanket.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)
And Pico, you can’t be the best dad here because your son turned out gay.

PICO
Que? Gay?

Camera CUTS to Oscar who has his hands in his pockets and shakes his head.

MICHAEL
Yes, uno gayo. Un fag. No offense Oscar.
(turns to speak to everyone)
So, I guess there is no clear winner here today. We had a lot of great dad’s and it was nice to see the respect and honor that you give to them---and to me.

KEVIN
Who wins your money?

MICHAEL
No one. But you have all won my fatherly love.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
I wanted a bring your Dad to Work Day because dads are good role models, and nurturers---and everyone looks up to their dads---and I wanted my employees, my children, to see how much better I am than their dads---except Stanley’s because his dad is dead so that’s not fair---for him.
(then)
I think that it went well today and from now on, I think people are really gonna start looking up around here---to me.
INT. OFFICE – CUBICLE AREA

The homeless man is walking out of the office with a bag of stuff. He grabs a wireless keyboard on the way out.

Meredith’s dad is passed out under a desk.

END OF SHOW